World Cup Ramblings - Army Falls

Did you ever play ‘Army Falls’ when you were a kid? Or was it just an odd little invention from the rural area to the south of Cork city circa 1980? If it’s not something that you are familiar with then commiserations, a childhood without Army Falls is like an ice-cream cone without a flake. There’s nothing wrong with it, you just know it’s not all it could be.

‘Army Falls’ involved a band of kids delegating weapons to which other kids would perform an appropriate death. ‘Bazooka!’, would be the cry and the next kid up would enact what he felt to be the last moments of a hapless bazooka victim. ‘Machine Gun’ was my favourite as the jitterbugging that accompanied such a grizzly end could go on for some time and allowed any kid with an iota of theatrical talent to fully indulge their dramatic inclinations.

The reason I bring it up is that I think the Italian football team have just discovered ‘Army Falls’ and are so beguiled by it that they can’t help playing during key moments of their World Cup games. ‘Rocket Launcher!’, shouts Cannavaro, and just as Chiellini should be concentrating on his heading duel with Rory Fallon, down he goes, thrashing about for all the world as if a rocket propelled grenade had lodged itself in his nether regions. “Bravissimo”, whispers Zambrotta, as he trots across to cover Shane Smeltz, hoping that the next call is ‘Stuka Divebomber’ as that’s his party piece.

Such is the Italian prowess at ‘Army Falls’ that even the referees are getting drawn into it. At least Carlos Batres, the Guatemalan whistler certainly did. In the 29th minute of Italy’s game against New Zealand Danielle De Rossi reacted to Gillardino’s cry of “German Luger at close range” with a magnificent rendition of a man receiving three slugs to the lower abdomen. Batres was so impressed that he immediately awarded the Italians a penalty. Tommy Smith, the New Zealand full back could only concur, clearly muttering ‘superb’ as he stoically accepted his yellow card.

The possibilities for this combination of football and Army Falls are immense. Just as the GAA have bonded with Australian Rules to create a game of supreme violence so too can FIFA unite with this childhood gem to produce a game that will encourage a whole new generation of kids to engage with organised sport. Is your boy a little too chubby to be an effective midfielder? No worries, simply yell “Landmine!” from the sidelines and watch him rise through the ranks. And if your short sighted, bow legged ten year old has the hand to eye co-ordination of a chest of drawers, don’t worry. A quick cry of “25 pound shell delivered by a Howitzer Field Cannon” will give him as much opportunity to impress as the fleet footed and naturally gifted son of the coach, about whom rumours of cross-channel trials are already circulating.

A brave new world beckons and as with Catenaccio in the 1960s the Italians are leading the way once more. Forza Italia, and all that.