The Magic Taxi

For many years I lived in the shadow of a major sports stadium. Matchdays, frankly, were a piece of piss. There were no decisions to be made. On match nights I knew precisely where I was going to be and there was barely any effort involved in getting there. I would watch the build up on tv, wait for the teams to come out, put down my cup of tea and walk across the road. In all the time that I lived there I was spared the horrors of long distance transport arrangements, stressful parking strategies, poorly planned pre-match meet ups and dining on aggressively priced yet worrying food while standing in the rain. But things have changed.

The nearest sporting venue to where I now live is a horse racing track and, to be honest, I would rather spend an afternoon massaging myself with a floor sander than watching horse racing. Match night logistics have changed significantly, and not for the better.

A three hour round trip is not now unusual on a friday night with all of the above mentioned torments a regular element of the journey and what I have found myself wishing for, in a troubling dialogue with insanity, is a magic taxi.

This magic taxi would, of course, be free. It would also be warm and comfortable and would whisk me to any chosen football venue at the speed of light. Part of its magicness would be that it would have, secreted within it, a cracking chipper and a pleasant, characterful pub. It would wait for me outside the gate and have me back in front of my fireplace before the result had hit the message boards.

Among the many advantages of having such a vehicle would be the opening up of the weekend fixture list. Instead of being limited to games that fitted into the strictures of the real world, I would be able to go to any game, anywhere, anytime. So, if you had access to this magic taxi, where would you go this coming weekend?

Dundalk v Longford Town

This fixture offers the current League Champions against newly promoted goal-junkies Longford. Judging by pre-season form Longford are likely to score and concede with an abandon rarely seen, while Dundalk were the best footballing team in the league last year and are likely to be almost as impressive this time around.

Have Dundalk replaced top-scorer Pat Hoban? No. But they do have plenty of goals in midfield and with Ronan Finn joining Richie Towell in this area, their all round play is likely to be enhanced.

One also has to consider the allure of Oriel Park. It may have an appalling away section but if you are willing to sit or stand among the general population then it is one of those venues that looks, feels and sounds like a proper football ground. Just don’t spend too much time looking at the pitch.

Galway United FC v Derry City

Another promoted team who may just about have put together a squad that will be able to avoid the bottom two. Sam Oji is a rock of a defender and his late arrival adds more value than should reasonably be expected of one single signing. Derry are also likely to avoid any fears of relegation. Widely underrated, the Candystripes will certainly miss Patterson and Duffy, (while Barry Molloy is another big loss) but they still have enough about them to avoid calamity.

Eamonn Deacy Park is another ground that is a pleasure to visit. Ignore the concrete block wall behind the far goal and it has all you could ask for in a football ground. There won’t be much in this one but it is more likely to be 0-0 than 3-3. Also, The Prez will be in attendance!

Shamrock Rovers v St Patrick’s Athletic

It’s hard to argue against Tallaght as a prime destination for the magic taxi. Two of the biggest and most successful clubs over the past few years with three league titles between them since 2010. This year St Pats look to be in the box seat with Rovers possibly playing catch up. But do bear in mind that it is on the television, and LoI games that get scheduled for tv exposure have a habit of inexplicably turning into the worst game of football the world has ever seen.

It was this fixture in 2013 that led to Pats going on to claim the league crown. They were awful that night and lost 3-0 to the Hoops, putting on a defensive horror show that prompted a team meeting in which home truths were put on the table and sleeves were rolled up. Don’t expect the Saints to be whupped this time around, they have a potentially awesome attack and a defence that will benefit from the arrival of ex Hoop Jason McGuinness. Rovers are in the process of morphing into Pat Fenlon’s image and may require some transition room, but the arrival of Danny North and Michael Drennan suggests they will score goals if the requisite chances can be created.

Big crowd, big atmosphere and if you position yourself strategically you may get on the telly.

Cabinteely FC v Wexford Youths

Titter ye not, this is a real contender for the magic taxi. Cabinteely are the newest of our new clubs and their debut in the League of Ireland will attract a fair amount of fans who will want to be able to say “I was there” when the LoI war stories come around. Don’t underestimate the appeal of being present at Stradbrook’s debut as an LoI ground or of having a copy of Cabinteely’s first ever league programme in a box in the attic.

‘Cabo’ are likely to be the whipping boys of a First Division that looks alarmingly competitive this year. Cobh have improved while Athlone, UCD and Shels should all be strong. But even if they spend six months getting tonked around the place Eddie Gormley is involved in a well run club that should stabilise over time and might even look to steal UCD’s crown as kings of the shoestring budget.

Wexford are a good team and were recently tipped by UCD manager Collie O’Neill as his favourites for the First Division title. I think he may be on to something there.

Waterford United v Athlone Town

Why go to Waterford on the opening night of the 2015 League of Ireland season? Ideally, one should be a fan of one of the participants as there doesn’t appear to be much else to entice the magic taxi thither.

The best reason I can think of to make this trip is that the RSC is generally a pleasant, friendly place to watch a football match.... yup, I’m struggling here. Waterford have been on the slide for a couple of years now and signing a batch of players from the one team that finished below them in last years league table (Cobh Ramblers) is hardly a strategy to encourage optimism. The Blues have played one competitive fixture this year, when they lost 1-0 to Munster Senior League side Avondale United in the Munster Senior Cup.

Athlone finished bottom of the Premier Division last year and enter this new season having lost the manager that nearly pulled off what would have been a miraculous escape, Keith Long, who is now the boss at Bohemians.

If you do point your magic taxi in this direction you may need an adrenaline booster. Back the draw and put more money on it than you actually possess.

Shelbourne v Finn Harps

Shels are tipped by many to win the Division but they have a rookie manager at the helm in the shape of former player and assistant manager, Kevin Doherty, and a squad that is largely culled from last season’s team (that finished third) and Shamrock Rovers 2014 reserves side. Reds fans may find the going tougher than is widely anticipated.

Evan Osam, son of LoI legend Paul, is a genuine prospect and is at Tolka Park on a loan deal from The Hoops. Mark Sandford, Stephen Confrey, Alan Kehoe and Sean Heaney (loan) have also arrived from Tallaght. Daire Doyle is a solid and experienced signing (Drogheda Utd) while Philly Hughes, who returns after an unspectacular season at Bray, can score goals for fun if he is fit and interested. But the jewel in the Shelbourne crown is the return to form of midfielder Gareth Coughlan after a lengthy recovery from a particularly nasty injury.

Another point of interest is Harps striker Kevin McHugh who is playing his last season of LoI football before he retires. McHugh lies second in the table of current top league goal-scorers with 165 and every LoI fan should make it their business to see him play at least once in his swansong year.

And so, to Saturday...

Bray Wanderers v Drogheda United

Bray have survived a pretty hairy winter and emerged with new owners and a renewed sense of hope although there is a lingering suspicion that their troubles may not yet have entirely disappeared. Alan Mathews has lost some decent players and gained some others in return but the Seagulls, who finished tenth of twelve in 2014, need a sizeable positive swing in their transfer dealings to put a genuinely good season in motion.

Among the departures, Jake Kelly will be the biggest loss. The winger topped the Bray scoring chart with nine goals in all competitions but he will be taking his shooting boots up the M1 to Dundalk. On the other hand, Chris Lyons and Ryan McEvoy are promising additions and it will be interesting to see whether the new look Wanderers have enough about them to make a real difference.

Drogheda have announced the largest first team squad of all twelve Premier Division teams (thirty players) but a lot of these are untested youngsters. The core players are the ones that will decide the fate of the Drogs in 2015 and one can only hope that they show more discipline than the class of 2014. They have a good starting eleven with Yadolahi, Mulvenna, Kavanagh and Thornton looking like particularly interesting additions, but if they lose anything like the number of players to suspension that they did last year then their lack of depth might cause serious problems.

Limerick FC v Bohemians

Simply trying to direct your magic taxi to Limerick’s home ground would have been a bit of a conundrum what with all the drama over the past few weeks. The club finally settled on Jackman Park after the long awaited return to Market’s Field was scuppered by unreadiness. And Jackman will provide a startling contrast to last year’s home venue for those players who have stayed on, although there is a worrying shortage of those.

Martin Russell has seen his budget significantly reduced over the winter, although a fine win over Cork in the Munster Senior Cup will have bolstered flagging spirits. It is both worrying and interesting that there will be plenty of opportunity for their U19 graduates this year. Val Feeney and Sean McSweeney are among the most promising but young centre back Paudie O’Connor may yet prove the pick of the bunch.

Bohemians have seen a mass exodus of many of their most exciting players who have followed former boss Owen Heary to Sligo, and if we keep predicting that Jason Byrne is too old and his legs have gone we will eventually be proved right. Will it be this year? Hopefully not, the big man is an institution. Another one to watch is Byrne’s fellow striker, Dean Kelly, who is due a big season. He has worked away diligently without yet finding a manager who will give him a sustained run. Over to you, Keith Long.

Sligo Rovers v Cork City

This could be a cracker. Sligo have been belting in goals like nobody’s business in pre-season although the quality of the opposition was questionable at times. Exotic imports Sander Puri and Morten Nielsen join a clatter of ex Bohs in what looks like a very tasty side indeed. Cork have added not one but two former internationals (Miller and Bennett) and now have a squad with an almost vulgar level of experience.

These two should both be challenging for the title and an early opportunity to scout their credentials will prove invaluable in early season debates in the pub. Did Cork over achieve last season? Will this year be their tricky second album? Are they simply too old? And will Sligo’s decadence in front of goal disappear when faced with more doughty opposition? So many questions, that can only answered by going along and having a look.

So those are the options. Which game would I choose? I’m not saying, but given the fact that I don’t, in fact, own a magic taxi I will likely be pitching up at Tolka Park. Reality bites.