Is it time to play the Wildcard?

You can make two transfers this week with no penalty applied to your score total. That’s all well and good, but what if it turns out your entire team was selected in a gin-fuelled haze? 

Ah, the wildcard. Something rarely seen beyond the last week in August, when nigh on every fantasy player abandons the long-term planning of pre-season and just picks whoever’s been the flavour of the league’s very first month. 

But, having lasted until mid-September, I found myself in the ideal position to take advantage of the myriad transfers which occur only to consume Jim White’s caps-lock mind and keep him from the void. Romelu Lukaku has jumped the Chelsea ship, cast out by the Portuguese Man O’ War, and landed heavily in the Everton rowboat, splashing life-giving water all over Roberto Martinez and presumably ruining one of a number of lovely cardigans. 

This is a gift from the fantasy football gods, to whom I have sacrificed many a slow goat (I don’t move well over mountainous terrain). Everton were in dire need of a quality striker and Lukaku should thrive given an extended run of games and the faith of his manager – a situation familiar just across Stanley Park where Daniel Sturridge, also erstwhile of Chelsea , has been prolific since joining Liverpool. 

The service of James McCarthy should also help the young Belgian, and Wee Jimmy’s arrival, along with Gareth Barry, appears to have significantly improved what had looked like being another threadbare Everton squad. 

Speaking of Barry, does anyone remember when Mesut Ozil made him look like he was running underwater in the 2010 World Cup? That’s my earliest tangible memory of watching Arsenal’s record signing play, being not nearly as hipster as I dress, and if for no other reason than that I’ve added the ex-Real Madrid playmaker to my team. To free up the cash for his arrival I’ve actually had to oust his new midfield teammate Santi Cazorla, who will likely be shunted out to a less influential wide position to accommodate the German. 

Ozil, a man who can’t see eye-to-eye with his reflection, is a slight doubt for this weekend’s game, and if he does miss out he’ll join the aforementioned Lukaku (who can’t play against the team who loaned him out) and David Silva (dodgy thigh) on my bench. 
 

But I fear not, for Robbie Brady is nailed on to give Cardiff City an absolutely torrid time in the hope of grabbing the attention of prospective Ireland managers. Right? 
 

I’ve also bolstered my defence with the addition of Liverpool’s Mamadou Sakho, who has been accused in the past of having a poor attitude and a worse haircut, but captained PSG at 17 and rivals Richard Dunne in the looking-like-a-wardrobe stakes. 
 

All of these new signings  are certain to prove as regrettable as my initial selections, but that’s the fun of fantasy football, isn’t it; competing with your friends and strangers alike to see who can be the most reactionary, media-influenced, deluded know-nothing to earn bragging rights through sheer luck? 
 

Of course it is.