Is this just Fantasy (Football)?

"Your Excellency, assembled editors, my lords, ladies and gentlemen, my Fantasy Premier league strategy is simple. Indeed it can be entirely described using but three words:

Ricky. Van. Wolfswinkel."

This was my opening pitch to the great and good at Extratime Towers when asked why I, amongst my many more knowledgeable, more talented colleagues, should write our brand new, weekly fantasy football column. 

I was of course pushed to elaborate, and there followed an uneasy half hour around the increasingly-hostile table. My method was too radical, too simple, too...weird. Senior staff members, the old guard, leafed dismissively through my list of potential gems and sleeper picks. 

"You just like this guy because his name is fun to say!" 

"No," I sighed, reclining in my chair and gazing with disinterest into the void. "I like him because he gets on base." 

"What?! That's not even [redacted] football, you [redacted] [redacted]." 

Despite these early teething problems, I was able to make my point. You see, where the sport of football can be studied, be defined and be understood by adhering to its essentially linear logic, fantasy football cannot. It follows a sort of dream logic. The kind of logic which tells you that it is better to reject the false idols - centre-halves - and instead play four attacking full backs, and that the defensive midfield position is inherently worthless. 

And so, when it comes to spending your £100m on the 15 players who will make up your team, you must remember to forget everything you know about actual football. You're not trying to find the best player for the money you have available, you're trying to find the most productive player. Yes folks, it's Moneyball - and I'm Brad Pitt. And if you're willing to follow along with me every week, you can all be my Jonah Hill. 

This column will appear before every round of Premier League games and will contain advice on player selection, further insight into the dream logic of fantasy football, updates on the Extratime.ie league - including a look at the leading teams, as well as our very own All-Irish experimental team which is sure to devolve into painful laments for the future of Irish international football - and probably more of me comparing myself to A-List Hollywood actors. 

The aforementioned Extratime league already has hundreds of players and all are encouraged to join and display their superior skill and footballing understanding. Perhaps you have a system also - do you select only players who play for teams in the bottom half, or do you choose your team based purely on handsomeness, with Sergio Aguero as captain? And do you still weep salty tears for the departure of Roque Santa Cruz - football's dreamboat and the man who put the 'fantasy' in 'fantasy football?' 

No matter what your approach or level of knowledge, we'd love to have you in our league. Even if your only reason for joining is to showcase the terribly clever team name you thought of. 

The code for the league is: 45800-13812 or click Ricky Van Wolfswinkel

See you all next week for the the start of the season.